My dear friend.

It has been 3 months since you died. I still can't believe you are gone. I think about you every single day. I started this blog, just so I can feel like I am still talking to you.

I am supposed to take the New Jersey Bar exam this July. Every time I open the book or take out the tapes I think about how much fun it was to study with you, and how much doing it without you sucks. It is so hard to be here with you gone.

I took for granted how much you believed in me, and how very much I needed you to. This is all so imposing, so very hard, without my partner.

I finally put a new practice into the works, one with my Dad, now that you are gone. Margot is going to work with me and we are going to assist clients with social services issues. She has many years of experience working in that arena so it should work. It is a good business plan.

Your parents and friends are looking into starting a foundation in your name, dedicated to helping children in D&N area, so all your good works can go on. You really made an amazing impact. You would be amazed at how much you affected everyone here. Your funeral was standing room only. I am sorry I couldn't be there, but they wouldn't let me stay long enough.

My baby was born April 9th. He was 11 pounds 6 ounces. Huge healthy little boy. We named him Oliver Robert Nicholas. I would rather have had you meet him, than have him carry your name, but I couldn't let you go on without some connection here, and you were so excited about meeting him. You would love him. He is so incredibly cute. He makes these baby moon faces and has the cutest smile.

I love you. Marlena loves you too. She was so sad to hear you are gone. She said "He was my best grown up friend." She still cries about it, though thankfully time has begun to help her forget. 5 is too young to be sad all the time. She is still amazing. She is reading now, and will be in first grade in less than 4 months. You would be proud of the young lady she is becoming.

Lee misses you too. He is so upset that he never got to know you as well as I did. He was looking forward to doing so in the future. We are both kicking ourselves for failing to bring you out here when we offered to. It made sense to wait so you could see the baby at the time but then you died. After that, not much has made sense.

I swear to god, I can feel you around me all the time. I can almost see your hands, superimposed over mine, when I am reading, typing, cooking dinner. I can almost hear you when I pick up the phone to call you. I can almost believe you will be there when I come back home. You were one of my very closest friends. I feel as though a large part of me died with you.

If I went back to the law school would you be buried in the stacks looking for some arcane piece of law that no one else would ever think of to find? Would you be in the law review office, or the SBA conference room, still convinced that you don't need to sleep, that you can work straight for three days and still get something done? Would you be up for playing hooky with me? Going and getting some coffee and studying somewhere else for a change?

If I went back to my old life, my previous life, would you once again be there?

I am haunted by your absence. It colors everything I do. It changes my life and I hate it. There was so much we were supposed to do together. So much I shared with you and now have no one to reminisce with. How could you leave?