Where the fuck have you been?

Seriously.

I have all this amazing stuff going on. Oliver said Mama, and Marlena has the most amazing conversations. I am working on my case, and trying to start a career.

Damn it, you were supposed to be here.

I can't find my fire.

It's like it died when you did. I don't care about the law anymore. There is no passion in me. I never before realized how much the people mattered in what we did.

It's all broken Nick. You are gone, Ben is far away, so very far away, Sanjin is working so hard, and I am all alone.

How could you?

Everything was possibility, it was all there, laid out before us just waiting to be taken up. I hate having to piece it together without you.

It was such a stupid thing to do, swimming by yourself. No one does that. I was a friggin certified lifeguard and I would never do that. That was not a sign of independence, it was a stupid mistake. It was a stupid mistake that cost you everything. EVERYTHING!! Do you hear me?

If you get a chance to do this all over again, you tell your next self that he had better apologize to my next self, and promise never to do anything that stupid ever again.

I hate that everything stopped for you. I feel like I just keep moving further and further away.

I already don't remember so much of our time. When do you think it will all blur into a vague montage of study and friendship? I don't know, but I do know the details will fade, and when they do, I will have left you behind and moved on.

I don't want to leave you, but I don't see another way.

I gotta go to bed. I love you, you stubborn hard-headed jerk.