Oh my god you would love this!!
It's electrifying! People are engaged!! There is passion in politics again!
Nick honey, we have a woman and a black man as the neck to neck contenders for the democratic nomination!!
Can you believe it!?
It seems to me that people are smiling more, that there is an extra strut in their step.
A ceiling is breaking, shattering to the winds.
I wish you were here to see it.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Where the fuck have you been?
Seriously.
I have all this amazing stuff going on. Oliver said Mama, and Marlena has the most amazing conversations. I am working on my case, and trying to start a career.
Damn it, you were supposed to be here.
I can't find my fire.
It's like it died when you did. I don't care about the law anymore. There is no passion in me. I never before realized how much the people mattered in what we did.
It's all broken Nick. You are gone, Ben is far away, so very far away, Sanjin is working so hard, and I am all alone.
How could you?
Everything was possibility, it was all there, laid out before us just waiting to be taken up. I hate having to piece it together without you.
It was such a stupid thing to do, swimming by yourself. No one does that. I was a friggin certified lifeguard and I would never do that. That was not a sign of independence, it was a stupid mistake. It was a stupid mistake that cost you everything. EVERYTHING!! Do you hear me?
If you get a chance to do this all over again, you tell your next self that he had better apologize to my next self, and promise never to do anything that stupid ever again.
I hate that everything stopped for you. I feel like I just keep moving further and further away.
I already don't remember so much of our time. When do you think it will all blur into a vague montage of study and friendship? I don't know, but I do know the details will fade, and when they do, I will have left you behind and moved on.
I don't want to leave you, but I don't see another way.
I gotta go to bed. I love you, you stubborn hard-headed jerk.
I have all this amazing stuff going on. Oliver said Mama, and Marlena has the most amazing conversations. I am working on my case, and trying to start a career.
Damn it, you were supposed to be here.
I can't find my fire.
It's like it died when you did. I don't care about the law anymore. There is no passion in me. I never before realized how much the people mattered in what we did.
It's all broken Nick. You are gone, Ben is far away, so very far away, Sanjin is working so hard, and I am all alone.
How could you?
Everything was possibility, it was all there, laid out before us just waiting to be taken up. I hate having to piece it together without you.
It was such a stupid thing to do, swimming by yourself. No one does that. I was a friggin certified lifeguard and I would never do that. That was not a sign of independence, it was a stupid mistake. It was a stupid mistake that cost you everything. EVERYTHING!! Do you hear me?
If you get a chance to do this all over again, you tell your next self that he had better apologize to my next self, and promise never to do anything that stupid ever again.
I hate that everything stopped for you. I feel like I just keep moving further and further away.
I already don't remember so much of our time. When do you think it will all blur into a vague montage of study and friendship? I don't know, but I do know the details will fade, and when they do, I will have left you behind and moved on.
I don't want to leave you, but I don't see another way.
I gotta go to bed. I love you, you stubborn hard-headed jerk.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
The veil between worlds...
Hello there dear. Tonight is Halloween, the night when the veil that separates the spirit world from the physical world is at it's thinnest. You are closer to me than you have been since your death, yet you are still not here. I am trying my best to hug you anyway.
We had a lovely evening with the kids. Marlena was Princess Leia and Oliver was a Jack-O-Lantern. We walked a few blocks through town and gathered up an amazing amount of goodies. Oliver slept through it but Marlena had a great time.
Well, take care of yourself. Please know that you are in my thoughts nearly every day, and there is much I would give to speak with you again. You were so incredibly loved here, you would be amazed to see how much you are missed.
Love you dear, enjoy All Hallow's.
We had a lovely evening with the kids. Marlena was Princess Leia and Oliver was a Jack-O-Lantern. We walked a few blocks through town and gathered up an amazing amount of goodies. Oliver slept through it but Marlena had a great time.
Well, take care of yourself. Please know that you are in my thoughts nearly every day, and there is much I would give to speak with you again. You were so incredibly loved here, you would be amazed to see how much you are missed.
Love you dear, enjoy All Hallow's.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Your death lives in the small spaces...
The times when the children are sleeping, the husband is away, and I am alone. Then I feel the life I have surrounded myself with slip away, layer by layer, until I am standing in the middle of a room, looking around, as though I had never seen it before.
My things, they seem like another's. Someone else must live here, I feel, someone who doesn't have a huge gaping hole in her heart. The colors are too bright and cheerful to have been chosen by me, I long for dark brooding color, the color of mourning.
I can't feel what I need to feel, when it comes to you. I should be so mad I can hardly stand it, you with your brilliant light choosing to take such a stupid risk. You doused that light forever and those of us you used to warm are so very cold without it. I had begun to depend on that light, it filled the shadows of my new home, reminded me of the world I left behind, and promised me sunshine upon my return. But there isn't any sunshine back home, not from you.
You are gone, and with you went the light. Something magical was created when we all met and worked those years, and right now that magical thing is languishing. It is gasping for breath because you were the heart of it all. Without you, we have all scattered.
I should hate you for leaving, but whenever I feel the anger rise, it fades away, shooshing out of me, leaving me deflated and flat.
I can't hate you. I still miss you too much.
My things, they seem like another's. Someone else must live here, I feel, someone who doesn't have a huge gaping hole in her heart. The colors are too bright and cheerful to have been chosen by me, I long for dark brooding color, the color of mourning.
I can't feel what I need to feel, when it comes to you. I should be so mad I can hardly stand it, you with your brilliant light choosing to take such a stupid risk. You doused that light forever and those of us you used to warm are so very cold without it. I had begun to depend on that light, it filled the shadows of my new home, reminded me of the world I left behind, and promised me sunshine upon my return. But there isn't any sunshine back home, not from you.
You are gone, and with you went the light. Something magical was created when we all met and worked those years, and right now that magical thing is languishing. It is gasping for breath because you were the heart of it all. Without you, we have all scattered.
I should hate you for leaving, but whenever I feel the anger rise, it fades away, shooshing out of me, leaving me deflated and flat.
I can't hate you. I still miss you too much.
Friday, October 19, 2007
This time last year...
You were alive. We weren't together, we weren't anywhere near each other, but you were alive, and you called me on my birthday.
I'm 32 this year. I missed your smile, and sharing a shot with you.
I miss you every time I hear the Law and Order gavel sound, but it's softer now. I guess I am more aware that you no longer exist on this plane.
Samhain takes on a whole new meaning now that you are gone. I have lost loved ones before, but this year, I would give so much to be able to peer beyond the veil and see you one last time. I would love to show you my baby, and let you see for yourself how strong and beautiful and alive he is.
Maybe I will. Maybe you will visit me.
I'm 32 this year. I missed your smile, and sharing a shot with you.
I miss you every time I hear the Law and Order gavel sound, but it's softer now. I guess I am more aware that you no longer exist on this plane.
Samhain takes on a whole new meaning now that you are gone. I have lost loved ones before, but this year, I would give so much to be able to peer beyond the veil and see you one last time. I would love to show you my baby, and let you see for yourself how strong and beautiful and alive he is.
Maybe I will. Maybe you will visit me.
Friday, October 5, 2007
It's just another day, again.
Hey there. I got your sweatshirt out of the box today. It was really foggy when I woke up to walk Marlena to school, and I found myself unpacking in the middle of the morning rush because I had to wear your sweatshirt.
Do you remember the movie Garden State? When he loses his mom and wanders around in a profound state of shock for the rest of the movie? He seems separated from the things happening around him by a thin veneer?
I think that I may be doing the same thing.
At times, when I miss you, I think this was all an astronomical joke, and I will move home and be so angry with you for pulling one over on me, give you a serious lecture on taste too. Then, of course, I realize that you would never pull something like this, ever, and when I get home you simply will still not be there, and in fact, will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be there again. Then I want to be angry with you for dying and give you a serious lecture on doing stupid things that result in death before you are one hundred and ten.
Sadly, you won't be there to listen to my lecture because you did one of the aforementioned stupid things.
Maybe it's the fog.
Do you remember the movie Garden State? When he loses his mom and wanders around in a profound state of shock for the rest of the movie? He seems separated from the things happening around him by a thin veneer?
I think that I may be doing the same thing.
At times, when I miss you, I think this was all an astronomical joke, and I will move home and be so angry with you for pulling one over on me, give you a serious lecture on taste too. Then, of course, I realize that you would never pull something like this, ever, and when I get home you simply will still not be there, and in fact, will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be there again. Then I want to be angry with you for dying and give you a serious lecture on doing stupid things that result in death before you are one hundred and ten.
Sadly, you won't be there to listen to my lecture because you did one of the aforementioned stupid things.
Maybe it's the fog.
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